Rob Hayes Writes Plays

Free Plays From Rob Hayes.

Month: January, 2013


This play was actually inspired by shocking real events. Now you can see them for yourself. Watch if you dare…

Did I Show You The Dump Valve?


Craig and Jock, peers, are stood by Craig’s parked car.

CRAIG. So that’s a six stage paint job. Yeah with a double matte finish. So even if it gets chipped yeah it still stays even.

JOCK. Yeah?

CRAIG. Yeah because even a gloss finish fades after a couple of years but. With that it’s.

JOCK. Yeah.

CRAIG. They do it in Formula One conditions. It’s the same process. See that. They’re bucket seats. See how there’s that bit in the middle? The bit that comes up in between the legs? Mate?

JOCK. Yeah.

CRAIG. That’s because the torque’s so strong yeah. So strong that when you take corners you fuckin. There’s a danger of slidin off the seat. So That bit’s to keep you on the actual fuckin. You can take a corner in fourth mate.

JOCK. Yeah?

CRAIG. Serious mate. Did it last night. It’s mental. Yeah torque’s like 200 pounds a foot.

JOCK. What’s torque?

CRAIG. What’s torque?


CRAIG. Mate. Torque’s like. What keeps the car on the fucking road mate.

JOCK. Right.

CRAIG. Good one anyway. Means you can go fast and keep it stable.

JOCK. Thought that was traction.

CRAIG. Yeah it’s the same thing. But yeah those seats. Well you’ll see in a minute. Steel pedals, and the gear discs are all alloy. Six gears, which for a two wheel drive is.

Jock takes out his mobile phone and starts writing a text.

CRAIG. Crazy. Those alloys yeah. Six spoke twenty inch forged RAYS aluminium yeah.

Jock doesn’t look up from his phone.

JOCK. Sick.

CRAIG. That’s necessary. That’s not even a upgrade. They need that cos of the engine thrust and the six speed gear mechanism. Same reason why the exhaust pipes are chrome-tipped. People think it’s an accessory but the output’s too hot. Can’t hear the unit though, even at a cruise. Engine refinement is amazing. And even if you could, surround sounds’ got eleven speakers and a 1200watt sub. That’ll drown out anything.

JOCK. Nice. Sorry mate. Just finishing.

CRAIG. MP3 compatible as well. Got 30gig hard drive music storage. That’s like four times more than that.

Craig points to Jock’s mobile phone.

CRAIG. Bluetooth as well. Voice control.

JOCK. Yeah?

CRAIG. Yeah. When I called you last night, I didn’t even have to pick up my phone. I was in the cabin. Just dropped my mum off. Carbon fibre-finished dash. Individually-heated anti-steam mirrors. Dual climate control.

Jock’s phone starts ringing.

JOCK. Shit. Sorry mate.

He takes the call. Throughout his conversation, Craig just stands, looking at either him or the car.

JOCK. Dude I was just calling you. Yeah. Shit man where did you go last night? I literally turned round. You didn’t. You didn’t! That’s hilarious! Ah, I can’t wait to tell Kev, he’s gonna freak. Mate, he’s gonna find anyway! You think she’ll keep it a secret? That’s hilarious. We stayed. Only left about half eight this morning. Serious. Why do you think? We were all in a bad way. Benson literally couldn’t talk. We put him to bed in that room with all the penguins on the wall. Yeah bit weird, there was a wendy house in the corner. Nah it was good though. Yeah I think I will for a bit. Not gonna drink though. Mate I was so far gone last night. I’m still feeling it in a big way. No I mean obviously I’ll have a drink. But I’m not gonna, you know. I’m not going Prague, put it that way. Haha. I’m never going Prague.

Jock checks his watch.

JOCK. Well I’m meeting Matt in an hour. Said we’d get something to eat. Is he? What time? Oh, so you’re just gonna. Oh sweet. Oh so I might as well come straight there. I’ll drop him a text then. Just check you’re not lying to me as usual. Like when you said Vanessa was coming to Wales. You did. Yes you did!

Jock spins to see Craig waiting.

JOCK. Right mate I’d better go. Yeah I’ll drop him a text. Alright catch you in a bit. Cheers.

Jock hangs up.

JOCK. Sorry about that.

Craig shrugs shakes his head.

CRAIG. No worries. So err. So yeah. So you can control all that from the wheel. All that stuff I was saying.

JOCK. Yeah.

Jock starts writing a text on his phone.

CRAIG. There’s an eight inch LCD display built in. It’s got this easy-touch system supposed to be the most responsive touch screen available or whatever. So you can literally check the weather. Get traffic reports. Get like. Fuel gauge and stuff whilst also checking revs per second and all the usual shit. Play music through it. Everything.

JOCK. Cool.

CRAIG. Automatic xenon lights. They’re energy saving. Rain-sensing wipers. Rearview camera. Four wheel anti-lock breaking stem. Dual fork suspension.

JOCK. Sorry mate.

Jock finishes his text. Puts his phone away.

JOCK. Yeah. Awesome.

CRAIG. I mean the real point is the twin-turbo V8 with NOS adaptability. 0-60 in 2.5. That’s why you buy the car, really. All the rest. Just serving that basically. But mate I’ve not even scratched the surface.

JOCK. Serious.

CRAIG. There is so much tech goin on.

Jock nods.

CRAIG. So do you wanna go for a ride then?


CRAIG. Grab a drink or whatever. Could take you back home after if you like.

JOCK. Oh, no I’m.

CRAIG. It’s cool I’ll be going that way.

JOCK. No I’m not going home. I’m, er.

CRAIG. Oh. Fair enough.. Well we could.

JOCK. But round the block maybe? Couple of times?

CRAIG. Round the. Okay.

JOCK. Yeah that should.

Jock checks his watch.

JOCK. Yeah.

CRAIG. Cool.

JOCK. Ten minutes?

CRAIG. Whatever mate. All good for me.

JOCK. Great.

CRAIG. Alright. Get in then.