Doctor’s Appt., 9am

by robhayeswritesplays

This is a play I wrote for the Royal Exchange’s FUTUREWORLDS project – a series of short radio plays all set on the same day in the year 2020. 

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Welcome To Parkhurst Road Surgery. Please type your identification number now.

Beep beep beep beep beep.

If you are not– Mr.– Paul– Cressman please press the hash key now.

Pause.

Thank you. If you would like to order a repeat prescription, press one. If you would like a diagnosis, press two. If you’d like to pay your–

Beep.

Thank you. If previous symptoms have continued or worsened, press one. If you are experiencing new–

Beep.

Thank you. If you are experiencing– extreme headaches, press one–

Beep.

If you are experiencing– a stabbing pain behind the eyes, press one–

Beep.

If you are experiencing– lapses in memory and concentration, press one–

Beep.

If you are experiencing– occasional vomiting, press–

Beep.

If you are experiencing– loss of feeling in extremities

Beep.

If you are experiencing– diarrhea press one now.

Pause.

If you are experiencing any new symptoms, please enter them using the keypad now, separated by the hash key.

Several beeps.

You enteredpartial blindness. Is this correct? For yes, press one. For no–

Beep.

Thank you. Please wait while a healthcare professional assesses your symptoms.

Musak.

Thank you for waiting. You are suffering from– Spongiform Encephalopathy. Sorry, there is no available medication for– Spongiform Encephalopathy on your health plan.

Would you like a second opinion? For yes, press one. For no, press two.

Pause.

Would you like a second opinion? For yes–

Beep.

Your account has been charged– 350 pounds. To return to the main menu, press one–

Click.

Dial tone.

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