Hey, Where’s The One About Fucking Animals?

SADIE Hey Rob, where’s that play you wrote about fucking animals?

ROB Awkward Conversations With Animal’s I’ve Fucked?

SADIE Yeah, why isn’t it on your website?

ROB I took it down temporarily because it’s going to be on stage this summer. It’ll be on at the Underbelly Cowgate throughout the Edinburgh Festival in August. 6.50pm every day.


ROB Yeah it’s a pretty big deal actually.



SADIE This is a terrible play.

ROB Yeah I haven’t thought it through at all.

SADIE What’s going to happen here?

ROB I have no idea.

SADIE Don’t you plan them before you write them?

ROB Sometimes. Not always. This one, for example, I’m literally making it up as I go along.

SADIE So why am I here? Who am I?

ROB I’m afraid I can’t answer those questions. I hoped to discover the solutions as I wrote…

SADIE I don’t think that’s happening. I feel hollow and bereft.

ROB But if someone put a gun to my head I’d probably say…mid-twenties, sassy yet vulnerable, fun-loving with the occasional dark thought. Doesn’t realise how attractive she is.

SADIE Oh my god.

ROB You’ve lived enough for two lives, and don’t take shit from anyone. But sometimes, like everyone, you just need someone to hold you.

SADIE Give me a fucking break.

ROB Deep down you need to be loved, if only to remind yourself you exist.

SADIE Seriously shut up.

ROB So, do you wanna go for a drink somewhere? I’m aware your entire universe is just an endless blank void at the moment, but we could imagine up a cool bar where you drink cocktails out of jam jars.

SADIE Could you please put me out of my misery?

ROB You scorn me now, but over time we’ll fall in love, then we’ll fight and fall apart, then we’ll expose our deepest failingsĀ to each other and realise we belong together.

SADIE Kill me.

ROB No, seriously. In like a messy not-perfect way. It won’t be happily ever after, it’ll be real and ironic. Like, I’ll fade out on us bickering even when everyone knows we’re destined to spend the rest of our lives as dysfunctional soulmates for the modern age.

SADIE End the pain. End the pain.

ROB Okay, fine.

SADIE dies.

ROB Fuck. I’m so lonely.

Beat. ROB watches SADIE’s lifeless body twitch desolately.

ROB So yeah. My play will be on in Edinburgh this August. 6.50pm. Underbelly Cowgate. Check it out.

ROB exits.