Dinner Party With Breakdown
by robhayeswritesplays
A patio. Sturdy, modern outdoor dining furniture. Behind, a door into the kitchen of a new-build semi. Beyond, a garden currently undergoing renovation.
Nick and Donna Doyle sit at the table. Both stare off into the middle distance, not making eye contact or talking.
Silence. They stare.
NICK
Tell you what, can’t wait to see Daniel again.
DONNA
Shh.
NICK
Feels like I ain’t seen him in ages.
DONNA
Shh! Listen.
NICK
I can’t hear nothing.
DONNA
It’s like a. Like a. Hmmmmmm.
NICK
I can’t hear it darlin.
DONNA
Shh!
Pause.
DONNA
What is it? It’s like a hummin. Can you not hear it?
NICK
No I can’t hear it.
A ding from the kitchen.
DONNA
It was the microwave.
NICK
Oh.
DONNA
Thought I could hear somethin.
NICK
It was the microwave.
DONNA
Yeah. Beans are ready then.
NICK
Will they sit?
DONNA
They’ll have to won’t they? Have to put them back in when they get here.
NICK
Warm them through.
Donna shifts in her seat. Sighs.
DONNA
Where are they?
NICK
Yeah I know.
DONNA
I cooked a meal and everythin.
NICK
They’ll be here.
DONNA
They know it’s important to me. Why they late?
NICK
Could be anything darlin.
DONNA
Always do this.
NICK
First one ain’t it.
DONNA
I said to them. I said don’t be late.
NICK
Only took the plastic off the cooker this mornin.
DONNA
It’s all about timin. Doin a dinner is all about timin.
NICK
If it’s their fault they ain’t got no right to complain have they?
DONNA
Yeah but Nick I don’t wanna be servin anythin that they can complain about. That’s my point.
NICK
Shouldn’t be doin this in your state anyway. Runnin round.
DONNA
Cos they’ll just be thinkin oh she’s gone and messed it up somehow as usual.
NICK
All the heat and that.
DONNA
Like ten minutes won’t of made a difference. When it does.
NICK
Should’ve gone out somewhere.
DONNA
I wanna cook for people, but not if they ain’t gonna show up on time and ruin the whole thing.
NICK
Coulda gone to that new place. The what’s it called. That Lebanese place.
DONNA
Lebanese?
NICK
Yeah that new Lebanese place.
DONNA
As if mate. You know what dad woulda made of that.
NICK
Yeah good point.
DONNA
Can you imagine? Dad tryina read the menu. ‘Ain’t spicy is it? I won’t eat it if it’s spicy!’
NICK
Yeah! And your mum.
DONNA
Yeah.
NICK
She’ll just wanna see the wine menu.
DONNA
Alright Nick.
NICK
No sorry. No I was. Yeah.
DONNA
This is stupid now. They’re doin it on purpose.
NICK
I don’t think they’re doin it on purpose darlin.
DONNA
Why else are they late?
NICK
Why would they do it on purpose?
DONNA
I dunno.
NICK
Probably ain’t on purpose then is it?
DONNA
Been callin them all day. No answer. Literally ten times. No answer.
NICK
You know what they’re like. Probably just got caught up with something. You’re dad’s got all this goin on. With Dubai and that.
DONNA
I don’t give a fuck about Dubai. And neither should he on the weekend.
NICK
I think it’s quite a big deal for him. Lot of paperwork and that.
DONNA
He should know the difference between work and family.
NICK
Yeah.
DONNA
I know I want to talk to him about business but that’s different.
NICK
Yeah guess so.
DONNA
Cos that’s work and family together, at the same time. It ain’t either or.
NICK
Not either or. Yeah.
DONNA
It means we could work together. Spend a bit more time together maybe. Hard enough getting him round tonight.
NICK
Well make sure you don’t. You know.
DONNA
Don’t what?
NICK
You know. You don’t get too.
DONNA
Too what? Go on.
NICK
Nothin. Just. You’ve got a tendency to. Cos I know this is important for you.
DONNA
Spit it out Nick.
NICK
Get worked up a bit.
DONNA
I don’t fuckin get worked up a bit.
NICK
You do a bit Don. Sometimes.
DONNA
Well I won’t tonight.
NICK
Gotta show him that you can keep your head. In business and that.
DONNA
I will do. Course I will. That’s if he ever fuckin turns up!
NICK
See that’s kind of what I’m talkin about.
DONNA
He ain’t here yet is he? Can say what I want if he ain’t here.
NICK
Just. Deep breaths yeah. Control the hormones.
DONNA
Babe I promise. I’ll be the picture of. Solemnity.
NICK
Serenity yeah.
DONNA
What?
NICK
Nothing. How’ve you been today?
DONNA
Fine.
NICK
Yeah? No trouble or.
DONNA
No nothin. Still sick but.
NICK
That’ll pass.
Pause.
NICK
I’m looking forward to this anyway. Absolutely starvin.
DONNA
Lookin forward to a soggy dinner.
NICK
It won’t be soggy.
DONNA
Beef overcooked.
NICK
We’re havin beef?
DONNA
Yeah. Why what’s wrong with beef?
NICK
No nothin. Just.
Beat.
NICK
Thought we were havin lamb.
DONNA
No it’s beef.
NICK
You did say lamb.
DONNA
Well I meant beef.
NICK
Good, nice. I like beef, it’s nice.
DONNA
It’s supposed to be rosy in the middle. Moist and rosy.
NICK
Yeah.
DONNA
Be all tough now. All tough and grey.
NICK
It’ll be lovely.
DONNA
How do you know?
NICK
Look just. We all want it to be alright, okay? We all want to have a nice time. You. Me. Your mum. Eddie. No one wants to cause trouble. It’ll be nice. I’m lookin forward to it.
DONNA
Do you think he’ll go for it?
NICK
Go for what?
DONNA
Do you think he’ll see it as an investment opportunity?
NICK
The beef?
DONNA
What? No, the.
NICK
Oh. Sorry. Er. Maybe. He might be a bit.
DONNA
Bit what?
NICK
Bit preoccupied maybe. Tonight.
DONNA
What?
NICK
I’m just sayin he might be a bit.
DONNA
You just said we’re all gonna have a nice night.
NICK
Yeah but like I said he’s been busy. Lot to be doin, next few weeks.
DONNA
Why’s he gonna be preoccupied here though? He’s got no right to be.
NICK
He picked me up today. Out the blue.
DONNA
From the airport?
NICK
Yeah. He was all over the place. Couldn’t get a word out of him.
DONNA
What’s that got to do with anythin?
NICK
I’m just sayin try not to get upset if his mind’s elsewhere.
DONNA
I won’t get upset.
NICK
Good.
DONNA
Actually no. I will get upset.
NICK
Oh.
DONNA
Because his mind shouldn’t be elsewhere, it should be here with his family, and with the meal that I’ve gone and bloody cooked special for him.
NICK
Yeah. I mean in an ideal world.
DONNA
He ain’t got no right to be.
NICK
No, yeah.
DONNA
I’ll throw his dinner in his fucking face if he is.
NICK
No he won’t be. He won’t be.
DONNA
Then why’d you say it?
NICK
I don’t know darling. I dunno.
DONNA
She’ll be no good neither. Not at this time.
NICK
Shall I open the wine?
DONNA
Not yet. Just.
Pause.
NICK
I love you darlin.
DONNA
Yeah I love you too.
NICK
Hope it goes well for you tonight.
DONNA
Fuck are they?
They stare.
The sound of a big engine coming to rest. Tyres on a gravel driveway.
DONNA
That’s them. That’s them.
The distant sound of car doors closing, perhaps muted voices.
DONNA
WE’RE ROUND THE BACK!
Donna stands, head cocked.
DONNA
WE’RE ROUND THE BACK!
She listens for a response.
DONNA
THE BACK! COME ROUND THE BACK!
She listens again.
DONNA
Do you think they heard me?
NICK
I think they heard you yeah.
Eddie and Patricia Gates appear from round the front.
DONNA
Here we go!
PATRICIA
Hello darlin. Was that you shouting just then?
DONNA
Yeah I was saying come round the back.
PATRICIA
Oh I see.
DONNA
I thought you would be ringin the doorbell so I was sayin we’re round the back.
PATRICIA
Right. Come here.
She hugs and kisses Donna.
Eddie approaches Nick and shakes his hand.
EDDIE
Alright.
NICK
Yeah, alright. How’s your afternoon been?
EDDIE
Yeah. Here smell that.
Nick smells Eddie’s lapel.
NICK
Oh that’s nice. What is it?
EDDIE
New Boss.
NICK
New Hugo Boss is it?
EDDIE
Only came out Monday. She don’t like it.
NICK
No I think it’s nice. His old one was nice too.
EDDIE
I prefer the new one.
NICK
Yeah me too actually.
EDDIE
Bit feminine the last one.
NICK
What’s wrong Eddie, you not in touch with your feminine side?
EDDIE
I’ll be in touch with your feminine side, you’re not careful.
NICK
Steady. Wouldn’t want rumours getting round the office now.
Eddie gives Nick a mock jab to the jaw.
NICK
Pick that up in duty free?
EDDIE
Thought I’d pick it up whilst I was there. Few quid off. Got her a bottle of Chanel, she thought it was a fuckin liqueur.
PATRICIA
What’s he sayin about me?
Eddie holds his hands up, turns to his daughter.
PATRICIA
Hello sweetheart. How are you alright?
NICK
Yeah not bad. Cheers. And you?
PATRICIA
Don’t ask darlin. Save yourself the trauma.
Eddie greets Donna.
EDDIE
Hello darlin.
DONNA
Hiya dad.
EDDIE
You okay? Look a bit flustered.
DONNA
No I’m fine. Just tryin to get the timin right on this.
EDDIE
You been cookin all day? She been by the stove all day Nick?
NICK
Something like that, yeah.
EDDIE
There’s a first.
DONNA
Might be a bit overdone.
PATRICIA
It’ll be fine.
DONNA
Only it’s been in there about ten minutes too long. And the beans might be a bit soggy and all.
EDDIE
Don’t apologise love.
DONNA
I wasn’t, I was just.
EDDIE
Makes me nervous.
NICK
Here, sit down. I’ll get some wine.
PATRICIA
Yeah go on. Get it open.
NICK
Red or white?
EDDIE
Whisky.
PATRICIA
Eddie.
NICK
You can have whisky. Think I’ve got a bottle somewhere.
PATRICIA
He’s windin you up. He’ll have wine.
NICK
You sure? It’s no bother.
EDDIE
No I am windin you up. Wine’s fine.
NICK
Okay. Red or white?
EDDIE
Do I look like a fuckin housewife?
NICK
Well now you mention it, your colour matching’s come a long way.
EDDIE
Teach you a thing or two about dress sense mate.
PATRICIA
He’ll have red.
Nick nods, exits.
PATRICIA
Behave yourself.
EDDIE
We’re only havin a laugh.
She turns to Donna.
PATRICIA
How are you sweetheart, alright?
DONNA
Yeah I’m alright.
PATRICIA
You look beautiful darlin.
DONNA
Thanks mum.
PATRICIA
Really radiant.
EDDIE
She’s been stood next to the oven half the afternoon.
Patricia places her hand on Donna’s stomach.
PATRICIA
And how you feelin?
DONNA
Yeah.
PATRICIA
Have you started being sick yet? In the morning?
DONNA
Yeah I’m bein sick two or three times a day.
PATRICIA
It’ll pass.
Patricia bends down and addresses Donna’s stomach.
PATRICIA
Little tike. You makin your mummy be all sicky in the mornings?
DONNA
Is she alright?
EDDIE
Already had two vodka tonics. And a Valium.
PATRICIA
Are you playin mischief with your mummy’s tummy in there?
EDDIE
Think that’s bad, wait till the fuckin thing’s born.
PATRICIA
Oh, Eddie.
EDDIE
You’ll pine for the days when all he made you do was sing to the toilet bowl.
DONNA
Dad! It might be a girl. I tried callin you earlier. No one was pickin up.
EDDIE
Oh yeah we had some. Stuff to sort out.
DONNA
What stuff?
EDDIE
Nothin.
DONNA
Were you alright getting here?
EDDIE
Why we’re not late are we?
DONNA
No, not. Really late. Just.
PATRICIA
Sorry love.
DONNA
No it’s fine. It’s just the timin’s quite. Precarious. On the food.
EDDIE
Late. We’re not late.
DONNA
No, not late late. We did say seven though. And it is.
EDDIE
How many times we turned up and your make-up’s half done?
DONNA
Quarter past.
EDDIE
One shoe on, screechin at us for comin early. Can’t win.
DONNA
I’m just nervous about it all. With the cookin and that.
PATRICIA
Don’t be nervous.
DONNA
I just want it all to be alright.
PATRICIA
Everythin will be fine.
EDDIE
And if it ain’t there’s a lovely new foreign place opened down the road.
PATRICIA
Dad!
EDDIE
That was a joke love.
PATRICIA
Just relax.
EDDIE
As it happens we did have a bit of a nightmare.
PATRICIA
Here we go.
DONNA
What’s that?
PATRICIA
His new car.
EDDIE
Like tryin to drive a bleedin submarine on wheels.
PATRICIA
He hasn’t shut up about it since he got it.
DONNA
You got a new car? Another one?
PATRICIA
Spent twenty minutes tryin to get it in gear.
EDDIE
Upgrade love. Happens automatically.
PATRICIA
Can you believe that?
EDDIE
I want the old one back. They’re just addin stuff it don’t need now.
PATRICIA
It was quite funny actually. We literally didn’t have a clue how to get it started.
Nick returns with a bottle of wine and glasses. He uncorks, pours, etc.
EDDIE
Pointless. Just make it go forward, that’s all I want.
NICK
What’s this?
PATRICIA
His new toy.
NICK
Oh.
EDDIE
You know the er. Supercharged HSE.
NICK
Right.
EDDIE
Range Rover. You were sat in it a few hours ago.
NICK
Oh yeah yeah yeah. The new. Yeah. You said it was givin you trouble?
EDDIE
I want me old one back.
NICK
Yeah? Not as good this one?
EDDIE
Nowhere near mate.
NICK
Yeah I heard that it weren’t as good. Been lookin at that model myself. But the features.
EDDIE
Pointless most of them.
NICK
Yeah, too many of them, I thought. Pointless. Shame because the original model was simpler.
EDDIE
Well it was ideal. Didn’t need to start messin around with everythin.
NICK
Yeah, just had the right amount of. Stuff in it. Gadgets and.
DONNA
What’s wrong with the new one?
EDDIE
Well, fuckin. Actually I don’t wanna talk about it.
DONNA
Nick what’s wrong with it?
NICK
Hah?
DONNA
What’s the difference?
NICK
Between the.
EDDIE
Classic Vogue and the Supercharged HSE.
NICK
Yeah. Well. The, uh. You see. Well it’s quite complicated really.
DONNA
Too complicated for me right.
NICK
No I didn’t.
DONNA
Cos I’m a girl.
PATRICIA
You’re a woman darlin.
NICK
No I wasn’t. I just.
DONNA
You’re always treatin me like I’m ignorant.
EDDIE
Give her the basics.
NICK
Yeah. Sorry Don. Yeah, see the original model was. Simpler. You know, it could navigate off-road and. And. And on road quite well. It had the balance just right.
EDDIE
Well this one’s fine when you get it movin.
NICK
Yeah. Yeah the main problem ain’t that. It’s. It’s to do with the new features they’ve added.
DONNA
What are they though?
NICK
There’s a few, see. There’s a couple of different things that make it. Not quite as good. Like. Where to start really.
Beat.
EDDIE
Well it’s this new gearbox innit.
NICK
Yeah! Yeah the gearbox. See they’ve added a new gearbox and it’s. It’s.
EDDIE
It’s right up on the steering wheel. Like a paddle that you have to flick. Pointless.
NICK
Yeah completely pointless. I saw that and I just thought. Nah. Not for me. Gimme a stick any day.
EDDIE
It’s got eight gears an all. Who the fuck needs eight gears in a car?
NICK
Too many, I thought. When I saw that.
Nicky nods.
NICK
So that’s basically the problem with it.
EDDIE
And don’t get me started on this new Gradient Acceleration Control and Terrain Response System nonsense.
NICK
Well I weren’t even gonna go into that. All sorts of problems really.
DONNA
I didn’t know you was into cars.
NICK
Who me? Do me a favour. I used to be down the rally track every day growin up. Yeah I love them. Ain’t you seen all them Auto Traders I got stacked in the garage?
DONNA
No.
NICK
You ain’t been lookin then. Yeah I’m a big car man.
EDDIE
Must be. Lookin at a model like that. Off the forecourt. Not cheap.
NICK
No, well.
EDDIE
Didn’t realise you was in the market for a new motor.
NICK
They got a pretty good payment plan. Installments over a. Period.
EDDIE
Right. Like a mortgage.
NICK
Yeah. Like a.
PATRICIA
Not far off an all. Price you pay for one of them. It’s too big. They’re all too big nowadays.
Eddie sniffs his wine.
EDDIE
What’s this, Burgundy?
NICK
Yeah Burgundy yeah. You like it? It’s nice innit?
EDDIE
Depends what we’re havin it with.
NICK
Yeah well I took that into consideration. We’re havin beef, by the way. So I picked it out special cos it goes well with red meat.
DONNA
You thought we were havin lamb.
NICK
Cheers Donna. That’s also a red meat, if you’re. Shouldn’t you be preparin the starters? Timing’s so important and that.
PATRICIA
Yeah what we havin?
DONNA
Well ‘to start’, I thought the menu should reflect Nick’s trip to France. As a celebration for comin back home. And of course for.
She winks to her parents, nods towards Nick.
EDDIE
So. Don’t keep us in suspense.
DONNA
I’m doin. Minestrone soup.
EDDIE
That’s Italian.
DONNA
Yeah I’m doin the French version.
EDDIE
What French version?
DONNA
The French version.
EDDIE
Of an Italian soup?
DONNA
It’s called fusion.
EDDIE
Confusion more like.
DONNA
If you don’t wanna eat it then don’t.
PATRICIA
He’ll eat it. I said behave.
NICK
Sounds lovely Donna.
EDDIE
Yeah. I like Italian food and I like French food so this should be a match made in fuckin heaven.
DONNA
God you’re in a right mood tonight. What’s wrong with him mum?
Patricia takes a swig of wine.
DONNA
When was the last time you cooked anythin dad?
EDDIE
I trust your culinary judgement my darlin. Hundred percent.
DONNA
Right well we’ve wasted enough time. Might as well get on with it.
PATRICIA
Do you need a hand love?
DONNA
No I can manage.
PATRICIA
I’ll come through anyway. You might need help.
Donna and Patricia exit to the kitchen.
Pause.
NICK
So cheers for pickin us up earlier.
EDDIE
Yeah.
NICK
Didn’t expect it.
EDDIE
Had a spare couple of hours. Thought I’d waste it on your ugly mug.
NICK
Heh. Cheers though.
EDDIE
It’s easy to get yourself down. Comin back from a trip like that. Just wanted to be there to say. Fuck it. Don’t matter. These things happen.
NICK
Yeah.
EDDIE
Who wants to borrow from the French anyway?
NICK
Exactly. No I mean. I thought it was a good idea at the time.
EDDIE
We all did mate. Sometimes it don’t work out how it should.
Beat.
EDDIE
And plus. You know. I needed a favour.
NICK
Yeah.
EDDIE
Another one. Heh.
NICK
It’s no bother.
Pause.
NICK
Got a new rower the other day. New rowin machine.
Beat.
NICK
Supposed to be a good one.
EDDIE
Yeah?
NICK
Yeah supposed to be. Put it in the spare room.
EDDIE
Won’t be spare very long.
NICK
No. Suppose not.
Beat.
NICK
Be good for when it gets colder though. It’s warm now, but in the winter. Save me runnin in the.
Eddie stamps his foot on the decking.
NICK
Dark.
EDDIE
Done a good job haven’t they?
NICK
What?
Nick looks down at the decking.
NICK
Oh, yeah.
EDDIE
Hardwood Balau that. Real deal.
NICK
Yeah?
EDDIE
Kiln dried. Usually put in softwood. Needs changin every few years. Gets waterlogged and that. But this lot’ll notice, round here. People buyin up these places. Can’t really fob them off. Not worth the grief.
NICK
Yeah.
EDDIE
Plus we get this for three quid a metre.
NICK
Really?
EDDIE
That’s unheard of.
NICK
Yeah that’s good. Good price.
EDDIE
Good with water as well this. Won’t rot. There’s no knots in it so the water don’t.
NICK
With our weather, that’s.
EDDIE
You know you gotta oil this right?
NICK
Oh yeah?
EDDIE
Every six months, you gotta give it a coat of oil. Otherwise it cracks on you. Totally ruin the finish. Becomes unstable after a while. So just.
NICK
Yeah, course. I’ll.
He taps his head.
Eddie looks off to the kitchen.
EDDIE
Right, shall we do this?
NICK
Yeah alright.
EDDIE
Let’s get it done quick alright.
Eddie and Nick exit round to the front of the building.
The patio is empty for a moment.
Donna and Patricia enter, setting the table.
DONNA
So basically you join a syndicate, right.
PATRICIA
Yeah.
DONNA
So you go in four, five ways, and that way you can place a big enough order for them to do it.
PATRICIA
Yeah.
DONNA
Think it’s like four thousand dresses. Five thousand dresses. Somethin like that.
PATRICIA
Right.
DONNA
And so you go in with an order big enough, and they make them and send them over. And they’re all the same, like, template. You know? All the same design.
PATRICIA
Yeah.
DONNA
Same style. But you can choose the patterns and any prints you want on them. Think there’s like ten different prints and then buttons and stuff as well. They got a catalogue.
PATRICIA
Yeah.
DONNA
And then they make them over there and ship them to you. But then you can add other detailin and stuff as well.
PATRICIA
Yeah. Make them.
DONNA
Make them look home made. Add your own personal design touches. And that makes it bespoke, see. That’s what makes them bespoke dresses.
PATRICIA
Yeah.
DONNA
Cos even though the dresses are the same.
They exit to the kitchen.
Eddie and Nick enter heaving a suitcase onto the patio.
EDDIE
Hang on. Let’s just.
They dump it by the back wall. Take a second to catch their breath.
NICK
Heavy.
EDDIE
Yeah.
NICK
What you say it was?
EDDIE
Irish Wolfhound.
NICK
Irish Wolfhound.
EDDIE
Beautiful. Pat’s favourite.
NICK
Shame.
EDDIE
Don’t tell her.
NICK
You haven’t told her?
Eddie shakes his head.
EDDIE
Break her heart. Weren’t pleasant. Had to use a nail gun.
NICK
Bloody hell.
EDDIE
All I had to hand. She’s not got the constitution for it, not at the moment. I’ll tell her I took it to the vet or somethin.
NICK
What does she think’s in the suitcase?
EDDIE
She don’t know about it does she?
NICK
When you gonna tell her?
EDDIE
In time. When she’s feelin better. Not a word from you, alright?
NICK
Yeah, course.
EDDIE
I mean it mate.
NICK
Eddie.
Nick places his hand on his heart.
Eddie nods.
EDDIE
Lyme disease. Shame really. Contagious, it was. Nasty bug. Bit like Rabies or something.
NICK
That’s awful.
EDDIE
Good as gold, usually, these things. Lovely temperament. This one was goin wild though. I knew something was up. It was a beautiful thing.
NICK
What was it called?
EDDIE
How the fuck should I know?
Eddie looks over to the kitchen again.
EDDIE
Still chattin. So we’ll put it by the other thing, alright?
NICK
Yeah. Where the jacuzzi’s gonna go.
EDDIE
No one’s gonna dig that up in a hurry.
NICK
Exactly.
EDDIE
I’d do it on my own land but I can’t risk the virus spreadin through the soil. To the other dogs like.
NICK
That’d be awful.
EDDIE
Cost me a fortune. Load of pedigrees goin funny. Plus you’ve already got a great big hole in your garden. Thought we could chuck it in there rather than diggin up a load of turf.
NICK
Yeah it’s no bother. None at all.
EDDIE
No real chance of it spreadin. All wrapped in plastic.
NICK
Still. Wanna be careful.
EDDIE
You had any trouble with the, er.
He nods off to the garden.
NICK
No. No nothing. Mind you I’ve only been back the afternoon. Don’t think Donna’s noticed.
EDDIE
Cheers for that.
NICK
Nah it’s nothin.
EDDIE
Really helped us out of a.
NICK
Like you said, who’s gonna be digging up a jacuzzi?
EDDIE
Nasty little.
NICK
Honestly it’s.
EDDIE
This hasn’t gone unnoticed. You pullin a solid like that.
NICK
For the company, innit?
EDDIE
That’s right. Good attitude.
NICK
You had any trouble? Whilst I was away?
EDDIE
Nah. Nothing. What, with the.
NICK
Yeah.
EDDIE
Nothin.
NICK
Who was he? If you don’t.
EDDIE
Just some kid. Irish lad from Seven Kings. Been with us about six months. Forty feet in the air without an hard hat on.
NICK
Jesus.
EDDIE
Yeah it’s tragic. He was pissin around, not observin protocol. Some of these lads, they got a death wish.
NICK
Yeah. Literally.
EDDIE
I mean there’s safety rules for a reason. Health and safety officers get a load of flak but really.
NICK
Absolutely.
EDDIE
You want to ignore them you pay the consequences. How he got all the way up there without an hard hat I’ll ever know. Foreman’s a fuckin wreck about it.
NICK
And he just fell?
EDDIE
Thing like that would have us shut down. Inquests and all sorts. Can’t have that now. Not with.
NICK
Yeah course. What about the family?
EDDIE
He weren’t no good, Nick. I did them a favour takin him on in the first place. They were sad, like. Don’t get me wrong. And we compensated them nice. They didn’t walk away with nothin.
NICK
That’s alright then.
EDDIE
They said he takes off for weeks at a time anyway. Just goes off by himself. No-one’ll bat an eyelid.
NICK
Good of them really.
EDDIE
Breaks your heart but what can you do?
NICK
Guess so.
EDDIE
Told the mother we’d bury him on site so they could have a little. Few candles and that. But it’s too risky. All number of reasons to go diggin round a construction site. New houses goin up. Foundations need recalibratin. Pipin not laid right.
NICK
Wouldn’t wanna risk it.
EDDIE
Much safer out here.
NICK
I weren’t even around to help out.
EDDIE
For the best.
NICK
I could’ve given you a hand.
Eddie shakes his head.
NICK
Well if they ever wanna come round. Light some candles.
EDDIE
Don’t be daft.
Beat.
NICK
How’s Daniel been? Feels like I’ve not seen him in ages.
EDDIE
Resilient as ever mate. He barely noticed you were gone.
NICK
Oh that’s nice to hear.
EDDIE
Worse than that, I could say the same thing about the lads in the office.
NICK
Now I know you’re lyin.
EDDIE
Here let’s get this shifted before.
The Donna and Patricia re-enter with dishes.
EDDIE
Fuck.
Nick shunts the suitcase away to a corner.
DONNA
You should see her now mum, honestly she looks like a burns victim.
She presents the starter.
DONNA
French minestrone with foccacia bread.
EDDIE
Foccacia bread?
PATRICIA
Don’t start Eddie.
DONNA
Bon Appetit.
They sit down to eat. It is clearly, for some unknown reason, awful.
NICK
It’s nice.
PATRICIA
Yeah lovely.
NICK
Nice and crunchy.
DONNA
Do you like it dad?
Eddie drinks his wine.
DONNA
Daddy?
EDDIE
I’m very proud of you sweetheart.
PATRICIA
Tell us about France Nick. How was it?
NICK
It was.
PATRICIA
Was it nice?
NICK
Yeah it was nice yeah. Mostly business. Meetings and that.
PATRICIA
Was it glamorous?
NICK
Err. Yeah. I guess in a way, it was quite. You know. I saw a Lambourghini.
EDDIE
Yeah?
NICK
Yeah. Lambourghini Countache. Bright yellow. That was quite glamorous I suppose. Saw a Maserati an all. Think it was a Maserati. Might’ve been a Lotus actually.
PATRICIA
Sounds lovely.
NICK
Yeah it’s weird to think I was there this morning. Woke up in another country, now I’m here. I brought you back some biscuits.
PATRICIA
Ooh lovely.
NICK
I’ll bring them through.
PATRICIA
We’ll have them later with a cup of tea.
NICK
And a lovely bottle of wine Pat.
PATRICIA
You know me so well.
EDDIE
You two wanna stop flirtin at the dinner table?
They laugh.
NICK
Yeah watch out. Soon as your back’s turned! No I’m jokin, obviously. Just.
Beat.
EDDIE
Real shame about the investment deal though.
DONNA
What happened?
NICK
Whole thing just. Pffff. They’re very cautious out there, very cautious.
DONNA
So you went all the way out there for nothin?
EDDIE
They’re very tetchy over there. Don’t wanna invest oversees. Too proud. They don’t wanna get on board with somethin, there’s very little you can do about it. Stubborn, you know.
PATRICIA
I love Paris.
EDDIE
How do you know?
PATRICIA
I’ve always wanted to go but this one won’t have nothing to do with it.
EDDIE
Too fussy, France.
PATRICIA
He always wants to go Spain.
EDDIE
Hotter.
PATRICIA
It ain’t all about hot you know. What about culture?
EDDIE
She’s the one who wants to spend all day on the bloody beach. I tell her we’ll go Spain then where it’s nice and hot. You’ll catch a breeze in France. You won’t like it. Too draughty.
PATRICIA
I only wanna sit on the beach cos there’s nothing else to do. If there was a castle or something.
EDDIE
A castle?
PATRICIA
Or something old to look around. An old village or something.
EDDIE
We’ll go France next time then. Jesus fuckin.
PATRICIA
Yeah right.
EDDIE
Nah nah nah. You can pick the holidays from now on. Save me the bother. Closer anyway, France. Cheaper flights.
PATRICIA
And when was the last time you paid for a flight?
EDDIE
When was the last time you paid for anythin?
PATRICIA
Piss off you old sod. Bet you wouldn’t even know how to book a flight.
EDDIE
I just said you can have the holiday of your dreams woman. What’s all the grief for?
PATRICIA
Oh forget it.
EDDIE
Listen to her.
PATRICIA
I said forget it.
Pause.
They eat. Patricia takes a large swig of wine.
NICK
Yeah it was nice anyway Pat.
Patricia tops herself up.
EDDIE
We’ll have Dubai soon anyway. Got everythin there, won’t need to go anywhere else. You know they got a seven star hotel. Seven.
Beat.
EDDIE
Shaped like a big sail.
PATRICIA
How am I supposed to get a tan when I can’t wear nothing above the knee?
EDDIE
I thought you weren’t bothered about gettin a tan?
PATRICIA
Well a tan’s a tan isn’t it?
EDDIE
I don’t know love. I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean. A tan’s a tan? Yes it is a tan. A tan is a tan, what the fuck has that got to do with anything?
PATRICIA
It means there’s more to choosin an holiday than wherever some dodgy associate’s got a villa.
DONNA
Can you stop arguin please? Pair of yous. Ruinin the ambience.
PATRICIA
Sorry love.
DONNA
Hostin a dinner party’s all about creatin the right ambience.
EDDIE
Thought it was all about timin.
PATRICIA
Eddie!
EDDIE
We ruined the ambience an all now? Why don’t we just trash the fuckin place and be done with it?
DONNA
Just!
Nick takes Donna’s hand. She breathes.
They continue eating. Patricia drinks.
PATRICIA
You been up to much today Nick?
NICK
Me? Nah. Only been back the afternoon really. Unpacked. Went for a run.
PATRICIA
Went for a run outside?
NICK
Yeah.
PATRICIA
What, you went round the lake?
NICK
Yeah.
PATRICIA
I love it round there. So peaceful.
NICK
Yeah it’s nice.
PATRICIA
You like keepin fit don’t you?
NICK
I do rather.
PATRICIA
You can tell. You can really tell.
NICK
Just sayin to Eddie I bought a new rowin machine the other day.
PATRICIA
Yeah Donna said.
NICK
It’s alright.
PATRICIA
I’ve got a treadmill. Handy aren’t they?
EDDIE
Yeah and how many times you use it? World’s most expensive clothes horse.
PATRICIA
I don’t see you rushin to get on it. You’re the one who could do with a go.
NICK
Be good for when it’s colder.
PATRICIA
Yeah exactly.
NICK
My knees always go in the winter.
PATRICIA
You don’t want that.
EDDIE
I thought you were excited about Dubai?
PATRICIA
I am. You were just doin my head in.
EDDIE
Tell you what, I’ll buy a chateau in France, this time next year. Buy a fuckin vineyard.
DONNA
Would you do that?
EDDIE
If it’ll shut her up.
Patricia punches Eddie in the arm. He laughs and finishes his wine.
EDDIE
Produce better stuff than this piss an all. No offence mate.
He hands the glass to Nick.
EDDIE
Go on then. Top us up.
Nick takes the glass and fills it with wine.
He hands it back, then goes to the kitchen for another bottle, refills the table.
DONNA
How come you can make so much money in Dubai then?
EDDIE
They need buildings. There’s no regulations out there so you can bang them up all over the place. Nice ones an all. Lot of wealthy people out there. Mansions and that. They’re buildin islands for Christ sake. They’re actually manufacturing land. And they can’t use it for growin cos it’s all salted.
DONNA
Salted?
EDDIE
Yeah they salt the land.
DONNA
Why they do that?
NICK
Osmosis. Remember at school?
EDDIE
So it don’t get washed into the sea. There ain’t nothin to do but build houses. And the government can’t even afford to finish the ones they started let alone build new ones. They’re outsourcin it all. All the construction. There’s no room in London any more. No room to fuckin move let alone build.
DONNA
What’s wrong with Essex?
EDDIE
That’s another discussion altogether, but if you’re talkin in terms of construction.
DONNA
There’s loads of land round here. Fields and that.
EDDIE
Yeah and they wanna keep it like that. Besides local council will have me in a tutu before they offer me a license. Out there mind.
DONNA
It’s easier. I get it.
EDDIE
No red tape, no nothin. Whole place is a fuckin playground. I’m tellin you we are this close.
He indicates an inch.
EDDIE
This close.
NICK
Yeah it’s gonna be big. All anyone talks about in the office.
EDDIE
Good. That’s good to hear.
Pause.
EDDIE
Right, now that we’re all sat down, whilst we’re on the subject, and whilst we’re not at each other’s throats. I got an announcement to make.
DONNA
About what?
EDDIE
Actually it’s more of an offer.
Eddie reaches into his jacket pocket and takes out a large envelope. He hands it to Nick.
He makes the sound of a fanfare.
EDDIE
There you go son. Congratulations.
NICK
What.
Nick opens the envelope and takes out two plane tickets.
DONNA
What is it?
NICK
It’s plane tickets Don.
EDDIE
I want you out there.
PATRICIA
So he does know how to book them.
EDDIE
I want you heading a team. It’s a promotion.
DONNA
Bloody hell.
NICK
Right.
EDDIE
Well look happy!
They laugh.
NICK
This is.
DONNA
Are we gonna live in Dubai?
EDDIE
You can keep this place.
NICK
I was gonna say. We only just moved in.
EDDIE
Rent it out, and then when you’re ready to settle back down in Essex you can move back.
DONNA
That’s amazin. God dad thank you so much! Oh I can’t wait.
NICK
And how long. Do you see us bein out there for?
EDDIE
Dunno, maybe a year. Two if you like it. Be the boss when I’m not around.
NICK
As long as that? Jesus.
Eddie raises his glass.
EDDIE
A toast. Cheers.
EVERYONE
Cheers.
EDDIE
To new beginnings. A new start.
Everyone drinks except Nick. He’s staring at the tickets.
NICK
There’s only two tickets.
EDDIE
What, you wanna put your feet up? I know it’s a long flight, but.
They laugh.
NICK
No I mean. I mean. What about.
EDDIE
Daniel?
NICK
Yeah. I mean.
Patricia exits to the kitchen.
EDDIE
I thought about that, I know it may seem a bit odd goin without him at first.
NICK
Without him?
EDDIE
Just at first.
NICK
Yeah. It would seem odd, that.
EDDIE
But then I thought he’s at the centre all week ain’t he?
NICK
Yeah, but.
EDDIE
We’ll look to get him out in good time. First few months.
NICK
Few months?
EDDIE
Meanwhile you can come back every now and then. We’ll arrange proper care for him. Get all that sorted. Nurses and whatnot.
NICK
Right, but he won’t.
EDDIE
Proper 24 hour care back here.
NICK
He won’t. Be with me though.
EDDIE
He’s got a support network here, ain’t he? He loves them nurses.
NICK
But he’s my son. I’m his dad.
Patricia returns with a fresh bottle of wine. She tops herself up.
DONNA
Am I definitely goin too?
EDDIE
Too right.
DONNA
That’s so excitin. I could set up my business over there. It’s closer to China. Is it closer to China?
EDDIE
Yeah.
DONNA
They all wear lovely dresses over there don’t they?
EDDIE
The best. They’re all loaded.
DONNA
Do you think I’ll like it?
EDDIE
You’ll love it. It’s got all your favourite shops over there now. All the celebrity chefs got their own restaurants. You’ll barely notice the difference.
PATRICIA
Except you’ll have to wear pyjamas all day.
EDDIE
So there we go. Something to get excited about.
PATRICIA
In 40 degree heat.
DONNA
I can’t wait!
EDDIE
You won’t have to. New house. New baby.
DONNA
New business.
EDDIE
New start.
NICK
I don’t know if I want a new start.
EDDIE
I’ve got some brochures in the boot. Something to read on the plane. Hang on.
He moves to get up.
DONNA
You ain’t eaten your soup dad.
EDDIE
Tell you what, we’ll get you cookin lessons over there. Something to do with your day.
DONNA
Oh. What’s that supposed to mean?
EDDIE
Nothin, I’m just sayin it’ll be a good use of your time out there. Give you something to focus on.
DONNA
What about the baby? I’ll have that to look after.
EDDIE
You can get a nanny. You’ll need to know how to cook if you’re bringing a child into the world.
DONNA
And the business. What about.
EDDIE
Well first things first.
DONNA
So you thought it was crap then, is what you’re sayin?
EDDIE
It was a solid first effort, but it’s not really to my taste.
DONNA
Not to your taste. What is to your taste then dad?
EDDIE
Is it French, is it Italian, does it matter? At the end of the day I don’t think either nation would wanna claim it as their own.
DONNA
Oh dad! Is it that bad mum? Is it Nick?
Nick looks at Donna, then at Eddie.
NICK
Uh, it’s. Um. it’s not without its strengths, Don. You know it has, it has. Character. Havin said that, it’s perhaps not, uh.
Donna starts clearing the dishes away, distressed.
DONNA
Spend all day in that bloody kitchen. Can’t even just appreciate.
NICK
No Don, let me. I was just sayin.
She marches off into the kitchen.
Patricia tuts.
PATRICIA
Well I hope you’re pleased with yourselves.
EDDIE
She needs to learn Pat.
Patricia follows Donna into the kitchen.
Pause.
EDDIE
Well that’s ruined the moment. Twenty-five years old and can’t cook a fuckin soup.
Nick forces a laugh.
EDDIE
That’ll be out a packet an all. She’s done something to it. Found a way to fuck it up.
NICK
Least she gave it a go, eh?
EDDIE
Twenty-five years old.
NICK
She’s really taken to it actually. All the housewife stuff. Yeah, I think she’s dead keen to get settled in her own place. She might find the move a bit stressful in her position. I know she’s excited now, but.
EDDIE
She’ll be fine.
NICK
I know what you’re saying about Daniel. But I really don’t feel comfortable leavin him.
EDDIE
He’s got his nurses. We’ll cover the weekend care.
NICK
He’s. I think it’ll be a bit distressin. I mean I know he ain’t Donna’s but she’s like a mother to him.
EDDIE
Is that right?
NICK
She’s good with him. Really good. I think they get on well. It’s not easy sometimes, I know that. But she’s really learnin to.
EDDIE
That’s not how she tells it.
NICK
So I don’t think it’s really feasible, all said. Thank you though. For thinkin of me.
EDDIE
I need you out there mate. I think you’re ready for it.
NICK
I am grateful and that, but.
EDDIE
You’ve just leapfrogged about four people in the food chain. Your salary’s gonna double.
NICK
Yeah, I.
EDDIE
You’re gonna head up an entire department. Only been with us ten months.
NICK
Yeah I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but.
EDDIE
You think this was easy for me?
NICK
No I appreciate.
EDDIE
I’m gonna get all kinds of grief. But I think you’ve got what it takes.
NICK
Well that’s.
EDDIE
And besides I have an obligation.
NICK
I hope you didn’t just go for me cos of that.
EDDIE
Let me tell you something. When I was your age I was commutin all week. Leavin Pat at home, only comin back on weekends. And Donna. She was tiny. Couldn’t have been a year old. It was tough. Course it was. But we all knew it was the right thing to do. And lookin back. At where we are now.
Patricia leans against the doorway, glass in hand.
EDDIE
Ain’t that right Pat? I was just sayin that we had to make some tough decisions for the sake of our family early on. Didn’t we? But it all came good in the end.
PAT
Kitchen’s on fire.
NICK and EDDIE stand up.
NICK
Oh shit.
EDDIE
I’ll deal with it.
Patricia slumps back into the kitchen.
Eddie points to the suitcase.
EDDIE
You get rid of that. Quietly.
Nick turns to the suitcase.
NICK
Right. Yeah. Course.
Eddie exits into the kitchen. Nick observes the suitcase.
After a moment, the suitcase topples over of its own accord. Nick jumps back, hand to his mouth.
He approaches it slowly, leans down with an outstretched arm, flinches, then finally places his hand on the suitcase.
Beat.
He reels back in revulsion.
NICK
Ffff.
He stares at the suitcase. Paces. Breathes. Approaches the suitcase again for another feel.
He pulls away again, feeling movement. Possibly a sound.
He moves over to the kitchen door.
NICK
Eddie. Eddie mate I think.
No response.
NICK
Eddie. Eddie.
Eddie comes to the doorway.
EDDIE
I’m a little bit busy mate.
NICK
I think.
EDDIE
Just get it shifted.
Eddie goes back inside. The fire alarm sounds.
NICK
Eddie. Eddie.
He contemplates his next move.
He steps in and stamps hard onto the suitcase, then quickly moves away.
He waits. The fire alarm is still beeping.
He checks the suitcase again. Still movement.
NICK
Fuck.
He approaches the suitcase, loses his bottle and retreats. Stares at it. Then approaches again and stamps on it hard, twice. Then a third time.
He waits for another moment, scanning the suitcase for movement.
The fire alarm stops.
Nick quickly sets the suitcase upright by the handle and starts dragging it across the patio.
Patricia enters.
PATRICIA
Warm in there.
She sees Nick with the suitcase.
PATRICIA
What’s that?
NICK
This? Nothin, just. Eddie asked if I could.
He nods over to the garden.
PATRICIA
Doin his dirty work again are ya?
NICK
I was just movin it. Didn’t want it around when we’re eatin.
PATRICIA
What’s in it?
Beat.
NICK
A badger.
PATRICIA
A badger?
NICK
Yeah yeah it’s a. Badger. Big one an all. Must’ve been a daddy.
PATRICIA
What happened?
NICK
Eddie done it in with his car. Didn’t wanna tell you.
PATRICIA
Fuck me.
NICK
Yeah. went right over it. Bumpf.
PATRICIA
He never told me.
NICK
Yeah, said he didn’t want to alarm anyone. You know it’s quite. Alarmin. To just. Tell someone somethin like that. Just come out with it.
PATRICIA
I killed a badger.
NICK
Yeah.
PATRICIA
Pat, I just ran over a badger in my new car.
Beat.
NICK
Yeah.
Patricia thinks about it.
PATRICIA
Hasn’t left a mark on the bonnet.
NICK
Well it’s a sturdy vehicle. It’s a sturdy vehicle. Designed to.
PATRICIA
Kill things, the way he drives it. To old to be drivin a car like that. Dangerous. Supposin it was a child he hit.
NICK
That would be.
PATRICIA
It’s too much. You shoulda seen him. Fiddlin around with all the little. Little levers and buttons. I was embarrassed for him. Looked like an old man.
Nick nods.
NICK
Well I better.
He continues with the suitcase.
PATRICIA
Oh dear. Don’t strain your muscles will you? That shirt’s lovely Nick.
NICK
Oh. It’s an old one this.
PATRICIA
Really nice. Goes with your tan. You do tan well, don’t you?
NICK
Do I?
PATRICIA
You’ve gone a deep golden brown. Like an Italian man. You got any Italian in you?
NICK
Nah. Not me.
PATRICIA
I’d love an Italian in me. I mean. Well. Instead I got some German, a bit of South African and a fuck of a lot of Chelmsford.
NICK
Heh.
PATRICIA
It’s them eyes of yours. Make you look exotic. Passionate, you know. You’ll tan lovely over there. Just you wait.
Eddie and Donna enter.
EDDIE
Just gave you this fuckin place and you wanna burn it down.
DONNA
I said it weren’t my fault.
PATRICIA
Did you sort it?
EDDIE
Not before it scorched all the tiles. That groutin was only finished Tuesday. Now it’s all bloody black.
DONNA
I’m sorry! I said I was sorry. Didn’t do it on purpose.
EDDIE
Gonna have people lookin round here. What they gonna think of that?
Eddie stops as he sees the suitcase. He looks at Nick, who makes a silent gesture of apology.
DONNA
I’m tryina do a dinner party on my own. I’m tired, I’m pregnant.
PATRICIA
I’ll do the main course. You rest love.
DONNA
No, I can handle it! I can manage.
PATRICIA
I’m only tryin to help.
DONNA
I don’t need any help I’m alright I just.
She puts her face in her hands.
DONNA
I just want it to be okay.
EDDIE
Sorry Don. What we havin?
DONNA
Roast beef. Now I know what you’re gonna say, it’s not French. But I’m doin it with runner beans and french fries. And onion gravy. And onions are French, so.
EDDIE
Onions are French?
DONNA
Yeah.
EDDIE
Onions come from France? Is that what you’re saying?
PATRICIA
Eddie.
EDDIE
No I’m just.
DONNA
Er, ever heard of French onion soup?
EDDIE
There’s a reason why they have to specify that the soup is French. If onions were French then it’d just be called onion soup.
PATRICIA
Eddie!
Eddie relents.
PATRICIA
Sure you don’t need a hand doin the beef?
DONNA
I said I can manage.
She exits.
EDDIE
I’ll have it rare if anyone’s interested.
PATRICIA
When were you gonna tell me you killed a badger?
NICK
Er.
EDDIE
What?
PATRICIA
With that new tank of yours. Poor thing. Mindin it’s own business. And then you come along and.
Eddie and Nick share a look.
EDDIE
It was dark wasn’t it? Thing’s completely black, I didn’t. Just came right out.
PATRICIA
Should be more careful.
EDDIE
It weren’t my fault Pat, alright? Leave it. Look let’s not.
He nods to Donna in the kitchen.
EDDIE
Let’s just try and keep it together. For her sake. Just a nice. Family. Yeah.
They sit.
Patricia drinks.
PATRICIA
So, how you feelin Nick? About Dubai. You excited?
NICK
Er.
EDDIE
He’s nervous, ain’t ya? He’ll be headin up the logistics team.
PATRICIA
Right.
EDDIE
Big deal that. Course, logistics means you’re set a task, say, movin an object from one place to another place, and you get it done. Can be quite tricky, apparently.
PATRICIA
Oh I’m sure he’ll manage. He’s a capable young man. Aren’t you love?
NICK
I’d like to think so.
EDDIE
Well you’d think, wouldn’t you?
PATRICIA
He could move anythin, arms like that. Young muscle.
EDDIE
Think it’s about time we got you workin with professionals. Some of the boys I got on the London floor team, Jesus Christ. Don’t know their arsehole from the hole in their face. Get them confused an all most of the time. Honestly, like workin with a bunch of retards.
PATRICIA
Oh, Eddie.
EDDIE
Sorry Nick mate.
NICK
No no.
EDDIE
Sorry, I fuckin.
NICK
No honestly.
EDDIE
That wasn’t a thing.
NICK
Means something else now anyway.
EDDIE
Yeah exactly. Just came out.
NICK
Honestly Eddie. Don’t even.
PATRICIA
Be careful what you say, alright? Shouldn’t really be usin words like that anyway. At the table.
EDDIE
Yeah well. Sorry.
Pause.
EDDIE
Anyway I was sayin. Gonna have the London team dissolved by Christmas.
NICK
What, completely?
EDDIE
Waste of money. It’s piss, in comparison. Can outsource all of it, easy. Plus we can take our contacts over with us. Most of them chompin at the bit to go international.
NICK
Yeah but. You ain’t even finalised yet. With Dubai. The authorities and that. Ain’t even got all the funding in place yet.
EDDIE
It’ll all come together. I’m telling you.
PATRICIA
Better had do.
Nick reads the plane tickets. A realisation
NICK
Eddie.
EDDIE
Yes mate.
NICK
This flight leaves tomorrow morning.
EDDIE
Didn’t you know?
NICK
I mean it leaves in like.
Nick checks his watch.
EDDIE
No point hangin around.
NICK
It’s like first thing tomorrow. How we gonna.
EDDIE
We’ll help you pack. Still plenty of time. Get the rest sent over.
NICK
Yeah but we can’t just.
EDDIE
Don’t you worry about anythin mate. I’ll get it all sorted. Worst comes to worst we lay you a few grand and you get a whole new set of gear when you get over there. I’ll have a place ready for you by the time you land. Right near the beach.
NICK
Yeah but. Daniel’s still at yours.
PATRICIA
Yeah.
NICK
He’s with Karla. So when am I gonna see him? Before I leave? Should I go over tonight?
PATRICIA
Don’t go. He’ll be sleepin now.
NICK
So what, I just. I can’t not see him before I leave. I can’t not see my own son.
EDDIE
You’ll see him. You will see him. We’ll arrange flights as soon as you get over there. But right now I need you on the ground layin down the infrastructure. Meeting people, shakin hands. This is how it works mate. You wanna get ahead in business you gotta be prepared to make the odd personal sacrifice.
NICK
Yeah but there’s personal sacrifices and then there’s.
EDDIE
He won’t even know. His age, he won’t remember nothing.
NICK
He’s smart you know. He’s a smart boy. He can see what’s goin on. He understands.
EDDIE
No one’s sayin he isn’t.
Donna enters with plates. She hands them out.
DONNA
What you lot bangin on about?
She exits.
EDDIE
I can see you panicking. Relax. It’ll be lovely out there, this time of year.
Donna re-enters with the other plates, serves them and sits.
EDDIE
Cheers love. And as you said this is a big deal for us. Big changes afoot. Construction game in England it’s. Very murky. Lots of backscratchin. Palm greasin. Intimidation. Exploitin loopholes. Never sat easily with me, any of that.
Patricia laughs.
EDDIE
Dubai though. We can get straight as an arrow. Cos we can afford to over there. What you laughin at?
PATRICIA
Give over.
EDDIE
What?
PATRICIA
Loopholes, is that what you call them? Bit euphemistic, ain’t it?
EDDIE
What you talkin about?
PATRICIA
Oh come off it Eddie. Who do you think you’re foolin?
EDDIE
All of a sudden you’re the expert. She’s down on our books as a secretary. That’s the biggest lie we’ve ever told! Anyone gets hold of that porky we’re finished.
PATRICIA
I don’t need to be in the office. You don’t do a very good job of hiding it.
EDDIE
Hidin what?
PATRICIA
Hidin what? Where do you start? Bribery. Blackmail. Forgin permits. Ever since I known you.
EDDIE
Obviously there ‘s an element of. You know. Can’t get by otherwise.
PATRICIA
Everyone else manages it.
DONNA
What’s she talkin about?
EDDIE
Nothin love.
PATRICIA
All I’m sayin is I’ll believe it when I see it. This goin straight business.
EDDIE
You’re blowin this completely out of. Ask Nick, he’s there every day.
They turn to Nick.
NICK
It’s not really my department.
EDDIE
I’m tryina do somethin for this family. Usher in a new. New leaf and all that. And you’re throwin it back in my face.
PATRICIA
I ain’t throwin nothin nowhere. I’m just sayin I reckon it’s in your nature.
EDDIE
For years you’ve been goin on at me. Now I’m finally.
PATRICIA
You’ll find ways to exploit the law over there just like you did over here.
EDDIE
It’s a completely different environment over there. Different business culture.
DONNA
Exactly, and he’ll make a fortune out of my dresses as well. Honestly dad you should see the mark ups on these things.
EDDIE
Alright, yeah.
DONNA
You could make a right bomb. I’ll show you the figures later.
EDDIE
Not now Donna. I’m talkin to your mother, who seems to have me down as some sort of racketeer.
PATRICIA
Well what would you call it?
EDDIE
I can’t believe I’m hearing this.
PATRICIA
I mean come on. Be honest with yourself. You’ve just had some poor lad stoved in cos he asked too many questions.
Beat.
NICK
What?
EDDIE
That was a private matter.
PATRICIA
We’re all family. No use keepin secrets.
NICK
I thought he fell.
EDDIE
He did.
PATRICIA
Ha, yeah. Fell and headbutted a wrench.
EDDIE
Shut it.
NICK
You said he fell.
PATRICIA
Oh you didn’t know? What did he spin you this time?
DONNA
What? What’s goin on?
PATRICIA
He was only a boy. Didn’t know what he was gettin into.
EDDIE
Stop pretendin you know what’s goin on.
PATRICIA
You underestimated him, that was your problem.
EDDIE
He was a troublemaker.
PATRICIA
See Nick, thing is that this lad’s dad.
EDDIE
Alright quiet now.
PATRICIA
He’s got a right to know, you’re gonna bring him into it! His dad used to own is own buildin outfit, a small one, before he died. Dropped dead of an heart attack at his daughter’s weddin. Quite sad really.
EDDIE
He doesn’t need to know this.
PATRICIA
So this lad starts doin some work for Eddie on the new estate, and all of a sudden there’s no employment contract to sign.
EDDIE
He doesn’t need to know.
PATRICIA
No minimum payment agreement, no insurance papers and all his co-workers are from fuckin Bulgaria.
EDDIE
Shut your mouth.
PATRICIA
I’m tellin him! Might as well finish now. Anyway, he looks around at what’s goin on, and he’s thinkin how has this company, with a permanent staff of 15 and an estimated revenue of such and such, managed to secure such a massive government housing contract without – get this – without even havin to put in a public bid. Every day he’s told we ain’t got this or we can’t afford that, and no-one’s unionised. It just don’t make sense. So he starts askin questions, askin to see the contract papers, starts namin names about councillors and.
EDDIE
That is enough!
PATRICIA
I knew his mother. Bless her. Mind you, she was a bit of a one an all.
DONNA
Are you a criminal dad?
EDDIE
What?
DONNA
Are you a gangster?
EDDIE
Don’t be silly love.
NICK
Eddie he’s in my garden. You’ve put him in my garden.
DONNA
You buried him in our garden!?
EDDIE
Technically it’s my garden.
NICK
Eddie, you’ve put him in a ditch in my garden. That makes me an accessory.
EDDIE
What does it matter anyway? You’ll be on the other side of the world tomorrow.
NICK
How many more are there? I mean what is this?
EDDIE
The decisions I make are my own and I don’t have to justify them to you, or you, or anyone. So yeah. It happened. And I’d do it again. And again. To protect my family.
PATRICIA
To protect your business.
EDDIE
Which supports my family. Now, this is a celebration. We’re here to be happy, yeah? As a family. It’s a new start for all of us. So cheers.
He drinks.
NICK
So you’re a killer now. You’re killers and I’m an accessory to.
EDDIE
I said fuckin cheers.
They all drink.
EDDIE
If you are an accessory. It makes sense to move forward with a bit of discretion. Wouldn’t you agree?
DONNA
I wish you’d told me you was a gangster when Shane was throwin me about everywhere.
EDDIE
I’m not a gangster darlin.
DONNA
Would’ve calmed him right down.
EDDIE
And Shane was alright. He had a temper on him. You might wanna close your ears for this son. He had a bit of a temper but his head was in the right place. He was thinkin ahead, always. And I’ll tell you what he’s a bloody good spark. Our loss that.
DONNA
He’s a fuckin arsehole. Daniella still sees him most weekends you know. Sits at his table in The Cauliflower. Shiny-faced bitch.
PATRICIA
Oh darlin, please.
Donna drinks.
EDDIE
What’s in that glass Don?
DONNA
Wine.
EDDIE
What are you doin?
DONNA
I’m havin a glass of wine.
EDDIE
No you’re not.
DONNA
Yeah, it’s just one glass.
EDDIE
I’m sayin no.
PATRICIA
It’s one glass.
EDDIE
I wouldn’t have her walk past a busy pub in her state.
DONNA
It’s fine up until nine weeks. And I’m nine weeks tomorrow, so.
She takes a sip.
EDDIE
You gonna let your wife do that? To your son?
DONNA
Let me?
NICK
Um, I.
DONNA
He ain’t in charge of me. I’m the one’s got it inside me.
EDDIE
You gonna let her do that to your little baby?
NICK
Doctor did say that a glass every now and then was.
EDDIE
Well whatever the doctor said, I’m sayin that if it was my son in there.
DONNA
I’ve read books dad. You think I’m that irresponsible?
EDDIE
I’d to whatever I could to protect him, and lettin my wife.
PATRICIA
Just leave it. Everyone knows a glass every now and then is fine.
Beat.
NICK
Maybe you should lay off the wine, eh Don?
Donna takes another sip of the wine.
NICK
Don.
She stares at Nick. Takes another sip.
EDDIE
Listen to me. You keep on like that it’ll cause you problems.
DONNA
What the hell would you know about babies?
EDDIE
That what you want? Have to look after another little.
DONNA
Oh god.
PATRICIA
What’s that supposed to mean?
EDDIE
Nothin. Just sayin.
DONNA
What’s wrong with you dad?
EDDIE
You bring a kid into the world you have a responsibility to.
PATRICIA
You are horrible sometimes, you know that?
NICK
Cerebral palsy ain’t caused by drinkin durin pregnancy.
EDDIE
I weren’t sayin nothin about that.
NICK
It’s a neuromuscular disorder.
EDDIE
I’m not blamin you son. I’m just sayin there’s an attitude.
NICK
Usually an infection, or in vitro asphyxiation.
DONNA
Nick.
NICK
No, I’m just. Because he said.
DONNA
Fuck’s sake.
NICK
Cos you gotta educate.
DONNA
Well I think we’ve all been educated enough, haven’t we?
NICK
I don’t know what that means Don.
DONNA
How many books and courses and.
EDDIE
We know the kid.
DONNA
I take him swimmin.
NICK
Daniel.
EDDIE
That’s all she’s sayin. Don’t have to go on about it. All the science. We know him. Look after him enough don’t we?
NICK
Yeah. Yeah and I’m grateful. But.
PATRICIA
He’s a lovely little boy. So curious. He’s got your eyes.
NICK
No, I really appreciate you takin care of him. I don’t wanna seem.
EDDIE
I wasn’t tryin to imply nothin. I was just makin a general point.
NICK
How was he? Was he alright?
EDDIE
He was fine, yeah.
PATRICIA
Good as gold he was.
NICK
Sometimes he can be a right handful.
DONNA
Ha!
NICK
Yeah, she’s seen the worst of it. But it means a lot, you know. It was tough for a while. Specially since Stacy. Since his mother didn’t. But now I wouldn’t want it any other way. He loves you, I can tell. Loves the lot of you.
PATRICIA
So curious. Always peerin out at you. And laughing.
NICK
Yeah he laughs a lot.
EDDIE
I wasn’t tryina blame you for. You know, I was just makin a point.
NICK
Where is he now then? Is he still at the house? Cos I might actually.
EDDIE
You got another one on the way now an all, eh? New family. New start and all that.
NICK
Well. Yeah. We’re growin. Together, as a.
EDDIE
Yeah but this is a new.
He gestures to the two of them – Donna and Nick.
EDDIE
It’s a good thing. A new. Something to celebrate. Cheers. Again.
He raises his glass. No one moves.
EDDIE
I said cheers. Let’s do it properly this time.
They each raise their glasses.
EDDIE
Cheers. To new life. New life.
They drink.
EDDIE
One glass Don. Alright?
They continue eating.
EDDIE
And don’t worry about that other stuff mate. It’s done with. History. Shame it had to happen but there’s a lot of bad people in the world. A lot of bad people. And as I said you’ll be other side of the world tomorrow. Even if they turf him up somehow. Which is impossible. There’s no way they could trace it back to you. No way. My name on the deeds. Don’t worry about it.
NICK
Who’s gonna be diggin up a jacuzzi?
EDDIE
Exactly mate. I thought we were havin French fries with this?
DONNA
They were what caused the fire. I’ve put some more on. Few more minutes.
NICK
So he was alright then, was he? Daniel. No problems or nothing? Where is he now, with Karla is he?
EDDIE
I’ll be finished by the time they come.
PATRICIA
Eat slower then.
NICK
Is he with Karla? Pat?
PATRICIA
Yeah he’s with Karla.
NICK
Cos I could go over after dinner. Pick him up. He’s supposed to be back at the centre tomorrow morning.
EDDIE
We’ll get Karla to take him over.
NICK
Pat are you alright?
EDDIE
She’s fine. Just relax mate.
NICK
It’s just if I’m leavin first thing tomorrow then I don’t know when.
EDDIE
I said you’ve gotta put that behind you. This is a celebration. Nice wine. Family. Some food.
NICK
Course. No it’s lovely.
EDDIE
Here, did I tell you the Doberman’s had pups? Seven of them. I reckon one’ll be dead in a week. Tiny little thing it is. But the rest look a strong bunch of bastards.
PATRICIA
Oh they’re lovely Nick. So cute they are.
DONNA
Can we have one? Can we take it away with us?
EDDIE
Can you have one? No darlin, you can’t have a Doberman stalkin around the place when you’re preggers.
DONNA
As a goin away present.
EDDIE
Or, come to think of it, when you’ve got a baby knockin around.
DONNA
Don’t be like that.
EDDIE
Do you know how big they are? They’re fuckin huge love.
NICK
Not as big as an Irish Wolfhound.
EDDIE
Now that’s true. But they’re usually docile. Doberman would have your face off. A grand each I reckon. For these.
DONNA
For a dog?
EDDIE
Pedigrees love.
PATRICIA
And they’re ever so cute Don.
EDDIE
No one’s buyin them cos they’re cute.
DONNA
Reckon you’ll sell them all?
EDDIE
If they don’t I’ll give them away to clients. Loyalty gesture.
DONNA
That’s a nice idea.
EDDIE
Fuckin love all that. Anythin free.
NICK
Listen, I might pop over to your gaff if that’s alright.
EDDIE
What for?
NICK
Just to check she’s alright with Daniel. He’s not givin her any grief or nothin.
PATRICIA
Why don’t we wait till we’ve finished, eh?
NICK
I think I’m done actually Pat. That was lovely darlin, cheers. Cooked just right.
EDDIE
Don’t lie to her, son.
NICK
I’d actually quite like to be with him right now.
EDDIE
Just hang on.
NICK
Yeah well it’s gettin late.
EDDIE
We’re havin a meal, son. We’re havin a celebratory dinner. Your wife’s cooked for us all.
PATRICIA
I’ll help clear.
EDDIE
Then after that you’ll have your packin to do. Get it all sorted. Passports and that.
NICK
Is there any way I could change the flights?
Beat.
PATRICIA
Come on darlin.
Patricia and Donna clear the plates, exit.
EDDIE
I’m starvin. Have to get somethin on the way home at this rate.
NICK
Eddie.
EDDIE
I appreciate the effort she’s gone to. But some sort of dummy run might have been useful.
NICK
I mean do I have to be there tomorrow? What about next week? Or end of the month? I can’t just take off. I can’t do it.
EDDIE
Do you give a shit about this company?
NICK
What? Yeah.
EDDIE
About the company that I brought you into?
NICK
Course I do.
EDDIE
Do you care about your wife, my daughter? Hah? And the little baby she’s got growin inside her?
NICK
Eddie that’s not what I’m sayin at all. I just.
EDDIE
You think it’s cheap, raisin a family? You think you could do it on your little junior accounts salary? You were bangin on about a Range Rover a minute ago.
NICK
Obviously I care about.
EDDIE
I’m gonna have no business interests in this country whatsoever come Christmas. Zero. And what then? You gonna jump on board? Join the party when all the hard graft’s done? That your style is it? Ride the coat-tails?
NICK
I don’t think you understand. He’s not very good without me. He gets upset.
EDDIE
They why d’you stick him in a home five days a week?
NICK
That’s not fair.
EDDIE
Surrounded by nurses his whole life.
NICK
That’s not. I have to. I wouldn’t have the time or the money to do it all.
EDDIE
Exactly.
NICK
And Donna. It wouldn’t be fair on her.
Patricia and Donna re-enter.
PATRICIA
You’re tellin the wrong one darlin. It’s dad you should be tellin this to.
DONNA
Dad, I wanna talk to you about this syndicate thing. Basically, a few small companies are gonna club together.
EDDIE
I know what a syndicate is.
DONNA
Right, yeah. Well I wanna join this one that’ll order dresses to be made in China, then brought over. And I can restyle them, see. Make them bespoke. And all this talk about Dubai has made me realise.
EDDIE
I thought you wanted to make the dresses yourself?
DONNA
No I’d design them. Add all the design touches and that. Someone else would make them. Manufacture them. Anyway I couldn’t make as many as they could. No chance.
EDDIE
Start off small then. Make a few frocks. Sell them. Use the money to make more frocks.
DONNA
Well it’s better to have more innit? Case it all takes off. Got to have somethin to sell.
EDDIE
Not sure about the logic there.
DONNA
So what do you think? You think it’s somethin you might be interested in? Cos I’m lookin for investors at the minute, so.
EDDIE
Tell you what, draw me up a business plan with a profit loss analysis and a year end revenue breakdown and I’ll send it to my finance team.
DONNA
Fine I will do. Wanna be difficult about it that’s fine.
EDDIE
Maybe you could start up a French restaurant in the meantime.
DONNA
Please don’t take the piss when I’m tryina be serious.
EDDIE
What do you want from me darlin? I just gave you a fuckin house didn’t I? Here, maybe Nick can go in with you.
NICK
Hah? What’s that?
EDDIE
Fancy makin a business partner out of your wife? Makin her dreams a reality?
NICK
With the fashion line thing?
DONNA
Yeah. Tell him how much money I could make.
EDDIE
I just don’t quite see it Don. I can’t see it workin.
DONNA
You never do nothin for me.
NICK
Steady Don.
EDDIE
You don’t know what I’ve done for you love.
DONNA
It’s an investment.
EDDIE
I’ve invested enough.
DONNA
You ain’t got no faith in me. None of you.
EDDIE
We’ll talk about it another time, alright?
DONNA
You always say that.
EDDIE
Well I’m sayin it again. Can’t do nothing for the next six months anyway. And you’ll be out for a couple of years after that.
DONNA
Not necessarily.
EDDIE
Yes necessarily.
DONNA
I could do the paperwork.
EDDIE
Do it then. Show me and we’ll talk.
DONNA
I need to know though dad. Seriously, what do you reckon? Is it an investment opportunity?
EDDIE
You wanna move the whole racket to china?
DONNA
I just told you.
EDDIE
See what you’re doin there darlin, and I know you don’t know it, but what you’re personally doin is fuelling the downfall of Western civilisation. And what you’re also doin, personally, is perpetuatin human rights misery on a global scale.
PATRICIA
Eddie!
EDDIE
No let me explain. China is fuckin minted, right? It’s minted because it’s massive. And it’s minted because the government controls who’s rich and who’s poor. And by keepin the poor poor, it means they’ve got a multi-million strong workforce who’ll graft for dust, which in turn sends billions in foreign investment into the place, tryin to take advantage of the cheap labour. Now, that makes China, on a global scale, our manufacturin warehouse. It also gives them the capital and the infrastructure to build their own consumer goods and flog them back to us at extremely high mark ups. That makes them our high street retailer. And because they keep such a tight control over their finances, that means they’ve got cash to burn. So when our flimsy financial structures get spunked up the wall, we have to turn to them for loans. That makes China our bank as well. And when things go really tits up, it’s China who has the funds to bail out an entire fuckin continent. That turns them into our welfare state. For that kind of money, they get to make serious political demands and compromises from the free and liberal Western world. They can dictate export sanctions, diplomatic relations, media controls. That, darlin, makes them our government. The government of the whole fuckin world. That means that one single country will be our warehouse, our retail outlet, our bank, our benefits office, and our government. And they ain’t a nice government. They ain’t some kind of go off, do what you like, set up your little website business, have some free healthcare kind of government. They’ll crush you if they don’t like you. So we’ll all have to be nice little obedient citizens and watch as their cultural influence seeps into all the little cracks of everythin we’ve ever known, along with all that money. Universities, hospitals, entertainment, even fashion, love. Paid for, dictated, controlled by them. Meanwhile, they’ll be lockin up dissidents and slicin off nipples or sewin lips shut all over the place, and we’ll be so grateful that we ain’t one of them that none of us will say a word to anyone. Your next door neighbour goes missin, your cousin, your mum and dad, never seen again. And you won’t whisper a word of it to anyone for fear of what might happen. This is the situation you’ll find yourself in when one entity controls every aspect of your life – financial, social, family life, home life – when one thing, one person, ultimately, has a stranglehold on every aspect of your existence, well, you’d better do what they say, hadn’t you?
Pause.
PATRICIA
You invest however you want, love.
DONNA
I know what you’re doin. You’re tryina scare me.
EDDIE
Enlighten you darlin. There’s a subtle difference. Think about what you’re really buyin with all that cheap labour, yeah? It don’t stop there sweetheart. After they’ve bought out our universities they can teach us whatever history they want. And when they get round to buyin all that bargain basement agricultural land from skint, knackered farmers, they can control food prices, or build on it all and dictate housing prices. And that affects me darlin. My business. And property prices are the direct arbiter of national wealth, so they can directly control the personal wealth rates and the national GDP. All of a sudden, Great Britain is the richest and happiest it’s ever been now China’s taken over. How’s that for a PR coup? Meanwhile at ground level we ain’t got two pennies to rub together.
DONNA
I’ll be in Dubai anyway. Right?
EDDIE
Do you know how they done it? Do you know why their gonna end up owning us? Cos they learnt to control themselves before they tried to control anyone else. They looked inwards. Dealt with the problems there. Got everyone in check. Before they started lookin outwards. Chinese Government. Masters of their own domain. Unquestioned masters. A unit. A one point six billion strong unit. Now they can look out across the rest of the world and pick their conquests.
Beat.
DONNA
Alright. Okay. I thought it was something we could do together, but.
EDDIE
Yeah well.
DONNA
I just wanna connect with you dad.
EDDIE
No you don’t. You wanna sell dresses.
Beat.
PATRICIA
Right Donna, I think it’s.
She nods to the kitchen.
DONNA
What, you wanna do that now? After that?
PATRICIA
Let’s just get it over with.
DONNA
After dad’s just gone and brought the whole mood down?
PATRICIA
Donna!
Beat.
DONNA
I’m not finished with this.
PATRICIA
Come on sweetheart.
Donna and Patricia exit.
EDDIE
Can’t please no-one tonight. Honestly you try and do some good in the world.
The lights go out.
Donna enters holding a birthday cake full of lit candles. Patricia follows behind her.
They sing ‘Happy Birthday’ as Donna sets the cake down.
NICK
Oh. Cheers.
DONNA
Blow it out then. Make a wish.
PATRICIA
Your eyes are all glistenin in this light. Makes them sparkle. Hasn’t he got sparkly eyes Don?
DONNA
Well hurry up.
Nick holds the plane tickets over one of the candles. They burn to ashes.
EDDIE
What the fuck is that?
PATRICIA
Something’s on fire. Put it out.
Patricia exits quickly, turns on the lights and returns.
They see the burnt plane tickets.
DONNA
What’s that? It’s not the tickets is it?
Donna leans over and pats out the tickets. She picks up the charred remains, drops them back onto the table.
NICK
I’m sorry Eddie.
EDDIE
Don’t worry about it.
.
NICK
I can’t go.
EDDIE
I’ll call up get some more. Go online. Get you on the same flight probably.
NICK
No.
EDDIE
Come out your wages this time.
NICK
I’ve got one week’s holiday due.
EDDIE
Can have two weeks.
NICK
I wanna take it right now. Startin right now.
EDDIE
You can’t.
NICK
You can’t deny me that. It’s law.
PATRICIA
Oh sweetheart. Think about who you’re talkin to here.
EDDIE
You have to put in a request at work. And you ain’t at work. Next time you’re at work will be on that plane. That’s when you next clock in.
DONNA
Why’d you do that? You didn’t even consult me. Don’t I get a say in anythin?
NICK
Donna, not now alright.
EDDIE
She’s right. Why stop there? Why not burn the table cloth? The furniture? Why not burn the whole fuckin house down? Cos that’s what you’re doin. You understand? I’m tryina make you here son. I’m tryina do you a favour.
NICK
That’s what you’re callin it?
EDDIE
I fuckin own you right now. Look around. I own you.
NICK
Ain’t that exactly where you want me?
EDDIE
I’m doin it for her.
NICK
So why you sendin us out there? You’ve built her a wendy house, why you tryin to get rid of us?
EDDIE
Don’t be an idiot.
NICK
How are you playin us? What’s your angle, eh?
EDDIE
I’m a father and a boss. That’s my angle.
PATRICIA
Pair of yous, calm down.
NICK
What’s goin on out there? What you need a puppet like me for? Money launderin is it? Tax fraud?
EDDIE
You think very carefully about what you’re accusin me of.
DONNA
Stop it! Both of you!
NICK
It all smells a bit funny to me if I’m honest. Cos there’s certain things I can’t help but notice. Even if I do try and turn a blind eye.
EDDIE
I’m tellin you be very careful now.
NICK
The CIC are on your back for god knows what. All them meetings with foreign men. Who are they? You never introduce me. Some poor lad ends up under my jacuzzi. Even your own family Eddie. When you gonna tell her, eh? About the dog?
Eddie lunges for Nick
EDDIE
Shut your fuckin.
DONNA
STOP IT! JUST PLEASE STOP IT!
Donna is crying.
DONNA
I’m just tryina make a nice evenin.
PATRICIA
You’ve made a pregnant woman cry. I hope your proud of yourselves.
They relent.
DONNA
Is anyone gonna have any of this cake? Or did I buy it for nothin?
PATRICIA
I’ll have some love.
DONNA
Good. Dad?
Eddie shrugs.
DONNA
We never get together as a family. Last time was the weddin and we had to put mum to bed early. Just once I wanted us all to sit down. We’ve got so much to be happy for and we can’t even get on like normal civilised human beings.
EDDIE
Sorry.
NICK
Yeah, sorry Don.
Donna starts cutting and serving the cake.
PATRICIA
Why don’t I put the kettle on? We’ll have a nice coffee or somethin.
DONNA
I bought some in special. I don’t drink it but.
PATRICIA
She’s bought some special.
DONNA
I know you all do, so.
EDDIE
Alright. Let’s put that thing in the ditch and we’ll stick the kettle on.
He nods to the suitcase.
DONNA
What is it?
EDDIE
Nothin don’t worry about it.
NICK
I’ll get it.
DONNA
Dinner’s not over yet. I could do some cheeses an all.
EDDIE
Think we’re alright for cheeses love.
Nick takes a deep breath and drags the suitcase off into the garden.
Pause.
PATRICIA
What was he talkin about my dog?
EDDIE
Forget it. He’s confused.
Beat.
PATRICIA
You gonna tell him?
EDDIE
Course I’m not gonna fuckin tell him.
DONNA
Tell him what?
Pause.
DONNA
Oh, them chips’ll be done by now.
Donna exits.
EDDIE
Don’t look at me like that.
Nick re-enters.
EDDIE
That’ll be filled in. First thing tomorrow. I’ll send someone round.
Donna re-enters with a bowl of chips and puts them on the table.
DONNA
Well happy birthday.
NICK
Cheers.
DONNA
Bet you thought we’d forgotten.
NICK
I was beginnin to wonder.
Nick almost cracks. Holds it together.
DONNA
It’s your birthday Nick. I love you.
NICK
I love you too.
DONNA
I wanted it to be special.
PATRICIA
Here, have a seat. Have a sit down.
He sits down. Patricia sits next to him and strokes his face.
PATRICIA
It’s alright darlin. It’ll be alright.
She moves onto his lap.
PATRICIA
There you go.
She kisses his forehead. Then his cheek.
PATRICIA
Here. Put your head here.
She pulls his head into her, stroking his hair.
PATRICIA
There you go love.
DONNA
Er, mum.
PATRICIA
Shush darlin. Give us a moment.
EDDIE
Pat take your flabby arse off his knee. Now.
PATRICIA
He needs his mother.
EDDIE
Call her up and get her round then.
PATRICIA
You’re a mean bastard you know that? Can’t you think for a minute about what he’s goin through?
DONNA
He’s fine mum. Get off him.
PATRICIA
He’s not fine. Are you love?
She kisses him again.
DONNA
Look at him, he’s fine.
PATRICIA
He needs a mother.
EDDIE
Mothers don’t sit on their children’s lap. Get. The fuck. Off him.
She stands up, unsteady on her feet.
PATRICIA
Do you know what it’s like to feel warmth in your heart? Can you remember what it feels like to care about someone?
EDDIE
Oh shut up.
PATRICIA
Can you remember what it feels like to have empathy for another human being?
DONNA
Mum! What the fuck’s wrong with you?
EDDIE
And what’s carin? Me workin sixteen hours a day so you can get your nails done twice a week? Sit around doin Yoga DVDs. I take you on holiday, you moan you wanna go somewhere else.
PATRICIA
Sendin him off to another country. Big promotion. You think that’s gonna make it all better?
EDDIE
Yeah it is.
PATRICIA
My only daughter. My first grandchild. And you’re. All because. You care so much about this family, why don’t you tell him what really happened. Eh?
NICK
What was that Pat?
PATRICIA
Why don’t you be honest for a change?
DONNA
What you on about mum?
EDDIE
Pat. No. Look at me. Look at my face.
PATRICIA
Well it’s gonna come out sooner or later. Have you thought this through at all?
EDDIE
Patricia. Look at me.
NICK
What is? What’ll come out?
EDDIE
You’re my wife. Don’t do this.
PATRICIA
I’m your wife am I? I am when it suits you. Always goin on about respect. Why don’t you show some to your son-in-law?
EDDIE
I don’t have to.
PATRICIA
Why not?
EDDIE
Because he ain’t earnt it.
NICK
What do you mean the truth Pat?
EDDIE
Ignore her.
PATRICIA
Just tell him. Tell him.
EDDIE
She’s pissed.
NICK
What’s she on about?
EDDIE
You’re pissed again, ain’t ya?
PATRICIA
You’re a coward.
He grabs her by the throat.
DONNA
Dad! Get off her!
She runs over to free Patricia. Eddie bats her away.
DONNA
What are you doing? Daddy!
Donna launches herself at Eddie. He releases his grip.
Patricia stumbles backwards. Sits down.
PATRICIA
You happy now? Playin the big man.
She drinks some wine.
PATRICIA
You’re a coward Eddie Gates.
NICK
Is someone gonna tell me what she’s on about?
PATRICIA
A coward!
NICK
Is someone gonna say somethin?
PATRICIA
If he won’t I will. I’ll tell you what happened, because a father’s got a right to know.
Eddie slaps her across the face.
He turns to Nick.
EDDIE
Listen. Nick. Now, before I say this.
NICK
What’s goin on Eddie? What’s she on about?
EDDIE
I hope you understand why I done what I done, alright?
NICK
A father? A father’s got a right.
EDDIE
It was for your own good. You’re part of the family now. It’s important to remember that.
NICK
Why? What? What’s that gotta do.
EDDIE
I’m tellin you now.
Eddie swallows.
EDDIE
Daniel.
NICK
Daniel? What. What about him? I wanna see him. I’m gonna go and see him.
EDDIE
Just. He was outside. Alright.
NICK
When? What is this?
EDDIE
He was playin outside. You know, sun was out. He wanted some fresh air.
NICK
No no no. What you sayin what you sayin.
EDDIE
This mornin. One of the dogs.
NICK
No. No. Eddie no mate. No.
EDDIE
He was bein a bit heavy handed and one of the dogs. Had a go at him.
DONNA
Oh no.
NICK
No.
EDDIE
I’m sorry.
NICK
Oh no. Is he. Is he. Is he. What. What.
EDDIE
It was a big. You know.
NICK
Is he. I mean fuck. What.
EDDIE
Dug it’s teeth in and that. Got at his neck a bit.
NICK
His. No, this. His neck? His fuckin.
EDDIE
I mean this thing really.
NICK
Why didn’t you fuckin tell me! When. I mean. Where is he? Where is he?
EDDIE
He didn’t survive it Nick. Must’ve caught his jugular or something.
DONNA
Oh my god.
Nick cannot speak.
EDDIE
I’m sorry mate really I.
NICK.
No. No.
EDDIE
Honestly I.
NICK
Nanananana.
EDDIE
I’m sorry. He’s. He’s gone.
Nick crumples to the floor.
NICK
No. Eddie no please. Please this ain’t. Just say it ain’t.
EDDIE shrugs. Shakes his head.
NICK
Ahgah no. ahfuck no. No. Please.
EDDIE
Nick. Nick. Nick. Mate.
DONNA
Oh my god. Oh my god.
NICK
Ahfffaaaaaaaahh. Fuck naaah. Naaaah. Ffffaaahahahaha.
EDDIE
Now listen. Listen.
Nick screams.
DONNA
Dad why didn’t you say nothin? How can you just sit there and do nothin?
Eddie looks to Patricia.
Nick screams again.
EDDIE
Are you happy now? Seen what it’s done to him?
PATRICIA
Are you happy?
EDDIE
It was an accident! I didn’t know. It was sick. It was a sick dog.
DONNA
Why didn’t you. I can’t believe it. I cannot believe it.
EDDIE
I’ve got a business to think about. Can’t have.
DONNA
Oh babes. Oh Nick. I’m so sorry.
NICK
My boy. Oh god my boy.
DONNA
Darlin.
EDDIE
Just. Everyone take a deep breath.
NICK
Where is he? Where is he?
EDDIE
You’ve got a new family now, ain’t you?
NICK
Where is he where is he where is he. I need. I need. Oh gaaah. Gaaaahhd. No.
EDDIE
Start again. It’s time to start again. A new life. New job, new country.
Nick tries to scramble through to the kitchen. Eddie holds him back, pulling him to an upright position.
NICK
Get off. Get off me.
EDDIE
You’re part of the family now son. My daughter’s gonna have a kiddie and you better be there to. You hear me? Look alive, mate. Think about the future. It’s sad, yeah. It’s fuckin.
Nick sinks back down to the floor.
He puts his face into his hands, screams again.
EDDIE
Look just. It’s sad yeah. It’s fuckin tragic but just. Let’s just. I couldn’t. Just tell you like that. You understand what I done don’t you? Why I did it like that. We need you switched on. However you found out about it, wouldn’t change what happened. Would it?
He looks at his wife and daughter.
EDDIE
I’ve got a fuckin business to run! You think I can just. See it from my point of view. All this goin on. Got a million and one things to. And what are you gonna do? Eh? If it all.
Pause.
EDDIE
Dog’s dead. Got rid of it. So there’s no danger. Took it to the vet got it sorted.
Beat.
Nick lifts his head up. A realisation. He stands and makes a run to the garden.
Eddie grabs him. Holds him back.
EDDIE
No. No. No.
Nick wrestles free with a primal, almost feral determination. He heads into the garden.
PATRICIA
Oh you haven’t.
EDDIE
Calm down.
PATRICIA
Eddie, tell me you didn’t.
EDDIE
Just.
PATRICIA
You fuckin.
Eddie rubs his face. Points to Patricia.
EDDIE
You. You just fuckin. Wait.
He goes to exit. Turns.
EDDIE
Keep him here.
PATRICIA
Psycho. You absolute fuckin.
DONNA
Where you goin dad? Dad where you goin?
He exits.
DONNA
Mum? What’s goin on mum? I’m scared.
Donna starts to cry.
Nick re-enters, muddied, carrying the suitcase. He lays it on the floor and kneels over it.
PATRICIA
Darlin you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to.
Nick places his hands on the suitcase.
Patricia kneels with him and holds his head again, kissing him with more passion than before.
PATRICIA
Look at me sweetheart. Look at me. He’s a complete bastard, I know. But think about what you’re doin here. It’s dangerous. He’s a dangerous man.
Eddie re-enters with a rolled up plastic sheet and a sports bag. He unrolls the sheet on the ground behind Nick. Then he opens the bag and produces a nail gun.
DONNA
What’s he doin? Dad what you doin?
He loads the nail gun and aims it at Nick’s head.
DONNA
Oh fuck. Dad.
EDDIE
Quiet now love.
DONNA
That’s my husband. Dad.
EDDIE
This ain’t your concern.
Eddie tightens his grip on the nail gun.
EDDIE
Move Pat.
Patricia continues to kiss Nick.
EDDIE
Pat sweetheart. Move yourself.
She looks up at Eddie.
PATRICIA
No Eddie. No.
EDDIE
Out the way now darlin.
PATRICIA
No I won’t Eddie. I won’t. I won’t let you.
EDDIE
Move.
PATRICIA
I won’t let you do it to him.
EDDIE
Do you want me to ask again?
Patricia holds his gaze for a second, then moves out of the way.
DONNA
I’ll never forgive you dad.
EDDIE
Yes you will.
Nick puts his hand on the suitcase zip. Eddie steadies himself with the nail gun.
Nick slowly acknowledges Eddie standing over him. He looks from the nail gun to the suitcase.
NICK
What’s in here?
EDDIE
You don’t have to son. We can make it okay.
DONNA
Listen to him darlin. Please.
Nick looks again from Eddie to the suitcase.
EDDIE
New family. New start.
DONNA
I’m havin a baby Nick.
EDDIE
Think about it. Think about your options.
DONNA
Think about me. I love you.
EDDIE
You don’t have to open it, you don’t want.
Long pause. Eddie steadies himself. Nick stares at the suitcase, hand on the zip.
EDDIE
Won’t change nothin. Won’t change nothin lookin in there.
Nick looks from the suitcase to the nail gun pointed at his face. Eddie is himself holding back tears.
NICK
Wuh ma.
Pause.
EDDIE
What’s that?
NICK
Well maybe.
Pause.
NICK
Maybe.
Beat.
NICK
Maybe I don’t have to look in.
Pause.
NICK
Maybe I don’t.
EDDIE
No you don’t.
NICK
Have to.
EDDIE
That’s right.
NICK
Could. Could. Could. Just.
EDDIE
Put it back.
NICK
In the.
EDDIE
In the garden.
NICK
Where the. Jacuzzi.
EDDIE
Got diggers comin tomorrow ain’t ya?
NICK
Got a digger comin.
EDDIE
Why don’t you put it back, eh?
Beat.
EDDIE
New job tomorrow. Fancy that? Your own department.
NICK
Dubai.
EDDIE
Dubai, yeah. Big car for your family.
NICK
Was it an accident?
EDDIE
Complete accident mate. Couldn’t have seen it common.
NICK
Yeah. Maybe we could have a little.
EDDIE
Few candles.
NICK
Bit of music.
EDDIE
Absolutely.
Nick slowly stands up and drags the suitcase off stage.
Eddie puts the nail gun away and rolls up the plastic sheet in silence. Patricia and Donna watch him.
He stares into the night for a moment, runs his hand through his hair.
EDDIE
WELL PUT THE FUCKIN KETTLE ON THEN!
