Rob Hayes Writes Plays

Free Plays From Rob Hayes.

Tag: Play

The Consultant

A Consultant’s office.

A Woman stands in the middle of the room. She has a bum for a face.

The Consultant examines her closely. 

He touches her face with his pen. Leans in. Steps back for some perspective.

He goes to his desk and leafs though a medical journal. 

He goes back in for another look.


He nods.

CONSULTANT You have a bum for a face. 

He sits behind his desk and starts writing out a form.

CONSULTANT Who shall I send this invoice to?

An Expert In Human Nature

Barney is sat on the couch, texting.

Dan stands in front of him. He reads from a print out. We get the impression he’s been at it a while.

Dan. ‘Hear her voice, shake my window. Sweet seducing thighs.’ Hang on. Da da da da Human Nature. Ah. Right. Okay. ‘Reaching out to touch a stranger, electric eyes are everywhere,’ that’s CCTV, right. He’s being watched. Doesn’t like it. ‘See that girl, she knows I’m watching. She likes the way I stare.’ Now the chorus, listen carefully okay. ‘If they say why? Why? Tell them that it’s human nature. Why, why, does he do me that way? I like living this way. I like loving this way’. This goes on. I could go on. I mean.


Dan. I’m right, right? I’m not making this up.

Barney. What?

Dan. It’s about fucking kids. He’s written about fucking kids. Tell them that it’s human nature. Why does he do me this way? I like living this way. I like loving this way.

Barney. Yeah I heard it.

Dan. Yeah. It’s about having sex with children. Is what I’m saying. And how he thinks it’s normal.

Barney. So what if it is?

DanWell. Wait. What do you mean?

BarneySo what if it is about fucking kids?

Dan. You mean if he wrote a song saying ‘I like having sex with children’?

Barney. Yeah. So what?

Dan. Are you. That’s a big deal. I mean it’s a serious.

Barney. Daniel, the man was tried in court and found not guilty. And now he’s dead.

Dan. Yeah.

Barney stops texting.

Barney. I don’t think they’re likely to re-open the case due to your interpretation of the lyrics to Human fucking Nature.

Dan. So you think it’s completely irrelevant? That he’s written a song about.

Barney. We don’t know what it’s about do we?

Dan. Oh come on, ‘hear her voice, shakes my window.’

Barney. I heard it the first time. I just find it a little hard to swallow, Dan, that in the midst of the very long, expensive, and very public criminal trial that took place, no one, not one person. Not the prosecution. Not the judge. Not the media. Brought to attention the fact that the man had written a song about how much he loves to have sex with children, and then decided to put it on the single biggest selling album of all time. And that it’s taken you, seven years since the initial verdict and nearly 30 years after it was written, to deduce that a song taken from an album which has sold 110 million copies, and was released as a single in its own right, would’ve actually had the entire thing sewn up if anyone had bothered to listen to the lyrics.


Barney. And besides it was written by Steve Procaro.


Dan. How come you know so much about Human Nature?

Barney. Did you use my printer to print out those lyrics?


Barney. Dick. Are you bored?

Dan. Massively bored.

Barney. Do you wanna have a wrestle?

Dan. Yeah. 

Barney stands up. Clears the floor of furniture. They wrestle.